The feeling of existence (#2)
The feeling of existence
How do we know that we exist and why do so many of us put much effort in order to reassure ourselves about it?
First, these questions appear pointless to many, but it wasn’t my case. I spent a significant part of my life trying to sort out who was right and who was wrong (my brother or I?). Well, I finally got the answer, neither of us. Our temperament (strong biological influence) and our personal history (that may be different in the same family) make us specific.
But I ended up in the category for whom the meaning of life wasn’t a given. It has been a torment (particularly in late adolescence and early adulthood); it is now a pleasure. I love to play with the different ways of constructing a meaning of life.
So, since it may be a pleasure to play with concepts, let’s have fun!
At first, when we are babies, existence is. The baby is enraged, feels panicky, is reassured, is satiated, etc. He can’t question himself about who he is, his developmental stage isn’t there yet. The baby is, she feels it very well, but she doesn’t know it (no reflective consciousness).
With its development and the continuous interactions with others who will reflect its image, the infant will gradually elaborate a representation of himself. This could be understood as a second birth: first we are, without knowing it, and then we become somebody, the person that is associated with a name. We could say that our first birth was biological and that our second birth is psychosocial – without others’ reflection, we wouldn’t have a sense of our identity. We are fundamentally social beings (wired for connection).
But the reflection by others can’t describe my experience in its totality, even with optimal parents. This is even truer when my parents are not fully dedicated to my development, are not really there, or, worse, express their life dissatisfaction through hate and aggression towards me.
So, through this interplay with significant others, the feeling of existence will now enmesh with self-representation. At first I was experiencing being alive without knowing it, now I am a person that will have to keep a certain image of herself. My existence was, now it has to be legitimate. And legitimacy will be defined in others’ eyes.
As mentioned before, others’ eyes, as sensitive as they could be, will never have a direct access to my experience. Thus, there is always a gap between external reflection and internal experience. This gap gets larger with the degree of others’ insensitivity. I think this is why the impression that something is missing is described (or simply felt) by so many. This impression that something is missing (in my life, in the world, in me) is often compensated by the conviction that my life will become real when this or that will be happening (when I get that degree, if that person loves me, when the world situation changes, when I’ll be rich, if I get prettier, etc.).
Getting a feeling of existence is our existential mandate; human life as it is, neither right nor wrong.
Whatever we are searching, it will always be fundamentally linked to the question of being acknowledged by significant others.
If I am ignored, it is désolation – If I am acknowledged, I am never totally reassured that I am completely so.
Narcissistic quest is somewhere doomed to a certain level of failure, even in case of important personal success.
So, we get to another level. The feeling of an intrinsic legitimacy can’t finally come from others (even if it is developmentally necessary) – it has to come from inside, from the simple fact of Being; a self-founded legitimacy that needs nothing else.
How many people have you met that got to that level of self-legitimacy?
Meanwhile, most of us have to live with our existential gap (maybe it is better not to feel it!). How do we do that? I would guess it is through our personality.
Our personality is the form taken by our quest for existence. For example, I will be somebody if I become a specialist in my profession, or if I constantly take care of others, or if I succeed to keep my anger under control, etc. Our quest for a feeling of existence is now enmeshed with a profile; this is our personality. In our personality there is an illusory fusion between our quest of existence and the shape taken by our narcissistic quest, which is itself illusory (I’ll be somebody the day that…).
But, and I’ll be back with this on another post, if we look at this with compassion to our common humanity, life doesn’t have to be a torment even with our existential gap…
Theses thoughts have come while reading The point of existence (Almaas).
pcousineau 
Un bon choix d’expression qui permettra de suivre ta pensée toujours en évolution ! Une réflexion opportune sur tes avancées ontologiques. Ça va être un plaisir d’apprécier ton cheminement.
Merci Daniel,
C’est une suite tout à fait naturelle à nos échanges dont nous fêterons les 40 ans en 2015. D’un mentor, tu es devenu un précieux ami et un toujours stimulant compagnon d’échanges ontologiques!
Le blog ! Tout à fait toi : moderne, relationnel et intimiste. C’est un plaisir de te lire !
Moderne, relationnel et intimiste! C’est joliment dit et amicalement apprécié. Merci Francine.
Why is the gap between our internal and external experience more easily filled when we are ignored than when we are acknowledge?
Lucien, I’ll try to answer your question as soon as I get time to do so and when… the response appears clear to me (metaphor: when the water clears up)
J’essaie d’éclaircir l’eau en français. Je faisais référence directement à la phrase dans laquelle tu écrit que lorsqu’on est ignoré, c’est la désolation et que lorsqu’on est reconnu, on n’est jamais totalement rassuré.
De ma propre expérience, pas seulement personnelle d’ailleurs, il me semble que notre expérience interne a un biais envers la crainte de ne pas avoir de valeur aux yeux des autres, de ne pas avoir déplacé ou de mériter d’exister. Ces pourquoi, comme tu l’écris dans la phrase que je cite, deux remarques qui portent sur la même réalité, soit notre droit d’exister, ne vont pas avoir le même impact sur notre expérience interne selon qu’elles confirment ou qu’elles infirment le biais dont je parle. Comme si, même en grandissant dans la meilleure famille possible, dans le meilleur environnement, ça ne prendrait pas grand chose pour venir “réveiller” cette peur de ne pas avoir de valeur aux yeux des autres et qu’on ne faisait que mettre ou tenter de mettre des couches de protection sur cette peur tout au long de notre vie.
C’est peut-être aussi juste de la projection de ma part 🙂